The longest day

March 16, 2008. I think today Marie managed to set a new personal record of crying time. She cried about 80% of the time, starting at 7 a.m. - it is true she had a peaceful sleep, and we all managed to get some sleep. However, out of all this crying a lesson emerged. Our landlady came by to see Marie and offered to take her for half an hour, to give us some space. So this is how we've got our first time without Marie - at first we were confused, we didn't know what to do. We danced. Then I tried to sleep, to take advantage of the silence, but it seems I grew accustomed to sleep next to Marie. So as my mind was slowly adjusting to the silence and to the fact I don't have to constantly worry about she's doing or why she's crying, I decided to do a few things around the house - I re-arranged Marie's shelf and our mother & daughter bag, put some other things in their rightful places... as half an hour turned into an hour, I realized I was missing Marie but at the same time I was becoming efficient. Even my breasts seemed to hurt less.

I remembered the first time Dad took Marie out, to let me sleep - it was probably the most profound sleep I had since her birth. However, on the other occasions when they were out, I never got around to sleep again, I was in a way waiting for them to return, and it never seemed to be enough time for a good sleep anyway.

Marie is over three weeks old now. Yesterday it was her first day out in the town - we've been in Grand Place, on the streets around and then we stroll back home. At the end of the day, we were both too exhausted to sleep and Marie was full of energy after sleeping most of the day in her port-bebe.

But going back to today's lesson - is more a truism than a lesson - however I just know really felt it's meaning: if I'm not ok, she's not going to be ok. As I am breastfeeding her, our mother-daughter connection during this period goes beyond the parental bonding. It's about survival - we need each other to be in a good health, and in a good mood. We need to find a way to be both ok. Actually we need to find a way for the three of us to be ok.

So I decided to stop worrying at each cry and just focus on the other sides of my life. When she cries, my body has a physical response to that - my breast hurts and I have cramps. And that pretty much puts an end to anything I'm trying to do - even to do simple things like writing my blog and getting the wording right ;-) So its education time for my mind and my body... because if I keep up like this, soon there will not be much left of me to take care of my daughter.

Photos from birth till three weeks: http://picasaweb.google.com/crista.filip/Marie